Elisabeth´s blog

Who am I?

Who am I?

I have played many different roles for many different people. I have been the Dutiful Daughter, the Active Wife, the Organised Sister, the Sweet Mother, the Happy Neighbour, the Successful Businesswoman etc.

 

When I started using the yogic tools and in all the years I have practised within yoga, I have met many yoga teachers who were gentle, calm and always had a slight neutral smile. Wow, being that calm and harmonious all the time is so cool.  I also wanted to be like that. An angel in pale-coloured clothing. Calm, humble and not taking up a lot of a room. Being satisfied with what I have, and not always striving towards the future. Not to be so….hasty and emotional. To speak in a soft voice and with a calm manner instead of a stubborn demeanour and a loud voice with gesticulating hands and arms.

 

So I wore pale-coloured clothing and started speaking in a low voice and with a calm manner and a faint smile on my lips. I knew that it would feel completely natural with a sufficient amount of yoga. So I practised yoga, and practised yoga, every morning, every day. Soon I would become how one ought to be!

 

After a few years I started to despair and then I said to my very wise yoga teacher that it is so difficult that it takes such a long time to become a light, humble, soft-voiced and smiling angel. My yoga teacher viewed me with astonishment, touched his forehead and sighed. He apologised for not training me in a better way and for failing to explain to me what yoga is all about. I went home, became broody and suffered a crisis about my yoga exercise.

 

The First Insight swept across me like a cold chill down my spine: I will never be a soft-voiced angel with a faint smile. The desire to do yoga disappeared and it became more mechanical rather than feeling. I became melancholy and started to think about what I should do in my life.

 

It does not work after all. I do everything as you should. I have done yoga, meditated like a maniac and I was still not an ounce more soft-voiced and my appearance was far from angelic. What should I do now?

Why should I continue with yoga when I still cannot reach the goals I have set myself?

What should I do were I not to work with yoga, were I not a yoga teacher? Back to the world business once more? Never….but what should I do? This sense of conflict and crisis was tangible

 

And then…one day… I gained a Second Insight!

 

I had approached my yoga exercise with the exact same attitude I had adopted for my career.  When I was deep in the world of work I had embraced a template of a successful businesswoman as a goal, a raison d’être.  A behavioural template. A model to strive for, a model which determined how you should appear and how you should behave.

 

When I started yoga I embraced a new model of a gentle, timid yoga teacher as a goal. I never even checked once whether the models were right for me, my needs and my way of being.

 

I had felt a huge relief in discarding all my old templates and tremendous joy in discovering myself, my talents and my skills. Accepting what I am good at, and what I am not as good at. All qualities have pros and cons depending on the situation, so there is no right or wrong in which these qualities are. The issue is how I choose to use them.

 

After this insight life has been far more easy going. It is easier to understand what I want when I have no invented roles to live up to. And yes, I am definitely an emotional, loud, stubborn yoga teacher who occasionally plays dubious jokes. I am myself and no one else.

One Comment

  1. Flott innlegg!

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